Do you ever have a day where you feel like you’re in neutral and you don’t know which way to go? That was today. I got some things done for sure, but somehow it felt like I had lost direction for a moment. This whole week has been a little like that. I have so much to do, and not enough hours in the day. I wear a lot of hats, from businesswoman to singer, from daughter to friend. Most times I am consumed with my career, and it makes it hard to connect, especially with my family. They don’t really seem to respect what I do, though I know they love me. When I tell them about the coin or another great opportunity, I feel like they immediately think it’s idiotic, and they don’t particularly hide that fact. The reason why I feel so comfortable writing this in this public forum is because I know they won’t look at this page. I wrote a song once called “They’ll Never Change” on my first album, and they never even realized it was about them.
I miss my grandmother the most, even though I see her every week (I see them all every week or so). She is old, stubborn, nagging, and judgmental. She is overly sensitive and needy, but also nurturing. She loves me probably more than anyone in this world, but she is always mad that I don’t see her more often. She is always there for me. She scares me that she will die (it’s of her favorite threats). I know that she will, and I am constantly fearful of this. If I was an actress, that’s what I would think of to get instant tears, because I love her deeply and death is absolutely awful. The prospect of her not being here slays me. However, being around her is really difficult. There is always some criticism or negative story.
In my professional life, I feel like I am in the olympics, doing everything I can to push my goals into fruition. I can’t have the distraction. Her outlook and nonstop worry instills doubt in my purpose, and right now, I am attempting some major stuff. Not only a record, but a tour, video series, evangelizing Bitcoin and freedom to people around the world to bring about worldwide evolution, and changing the music industry. That doesn’t even take into account my woman’s crypto group, my friends, my workout routine, personal improvement and more regular stuff like dating. I can’t hear all the worry, it’s distracting and pointless. I am not quitting, so what’s the point of indulging in that doubt? I already judge myself very harshly, I don’t need more of that. At the end of the day, she loves me and wants to know I will be able to sustain myself with my crazy music stuff. I love that she is concerned, but it just stresses me out. I wish I had more time for her, but when I do see her, she just makes me cranky and I am not mentally in the room a lot of the time. Then the guilt sets in. I need to make more time for her, but finding that balance is so difficult.
So what do I do? I can only do my best. That’s it.
I know I should have written something more upbeat about TC today, but I just thought I should be honest about what’s on my mind. One good thing is this whole experience. I love how it has pinned me down to a more scheduled creative process. I realize I can work through certain things in a variety of mediums. I can also share more intimate things, and I feel like I have a stronger connection to my base of supporters. I have so many kind notes in my inbox telling me how much inspiration I have given people (though it obviously feels silly to hear since I feel like a weirdo most of the time). It’s probably better to be so secure in oneself that that doesn’t effect my outlook, but it does make a difference. It gives me a lot of strength and I am grateful for that.
The days are so up and down for the past year, that sometimes I wonder if it’s not me that is up and down. Then I realize that when you live your life on the edge (which in all seriousness, I kinda do), you’re bound to feel the wind more acutely. It’s scary to be the first at doing something, either way.
Thanks everyone, for helping me stand in the wind 🙂
