What is doubt?
What is the right thing to do?
What will you give up to do the right thing and why is it even the right thing?
These are all questions that have coursed through me the past year. So much has
happened. So much disillusion, and so much heartache. I don’t mean the romantic
love I long for (evident in my songs, so no need to hide it, it’s what makes me
human). What I mean is another equally important love, that which I have for
creating a better world and believing in the intentions of my fellow man.
I don’t think I am an idiot all the time. Sometimes my internal dialogue has such
messaging, sure, but I consider myself pretty street smart and savvy. But wow oh
wow have the creepers come out in the past year! It’s just scam after scam after
disappointment after broken contract. So many times I have wanted to explode
and just rage against the bullshit in a public way. I have certainly been in the right.
Instead, however, I have chose to handle myself with grace and dignity. I have done
all that I could to rectify situations without getting my soul covered in the filth, even
though anyone who knows me will testify to my impulsivity at times. Most people
have reacted to my stories with “Why didn’t you just slap him in the face!?” or “You
should have gone public right away!” But what they don’t know is that actions like
that are not always the best to take to get the results you want. And you shouldn’t
overestimate the people around you, even your friends, because they can be far
more disappointing than you can image. However, even though I am still learning, I
have taken some lessons to heart and enjoy the deep breath I take before acting.
So I have made decisions I generally respect. I trust that a time will present itself to
tell the truth, but I am laying the groundwork that that truth help others, and not be
a flash of reaction. I am taking action.
It’s not easy to know if things are right if they keep going wrong. Each time I learn
a lesson, it’s a hard one. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I am getting ahead or just
screwing myself over with my code of ethics/morals. It would be easier in a lot
of situations to just take the money and shut up, or in general, look the other way
to keep things smooth. Please, I am no saint, but there are certain things I hold
dear that I make concentrated efforts to never compromise on. I don’t like ripping
people off, I don’t like unclear financial arrangements, I like to do what I say I am
going to do. Again, don’t get your panties in a bunch internet trolls, I bet at some
point in my life I may have f-ed up, but not that I can recall. I sleep well at night.
I do wonder though, is that settled feeling in my soul worth a lot of those basic
creature comforts I have given up by not “selling out” (for lack of a better term)?
Could it even be an ego thing? Bragging rights for being a good person? What
makes a good person and why? Religion? Upbringing? Is it an inherent sense of
right and wrong, or something taught by our parents, or worse, THE STATE!? That
is another topic altogether that is worth exploring another time…
While writing this, I have worked through some of my next steps. Of course with
my attention span and the lure of social networks, I paused from this blog and
had a moment to reflect. The current doubt of previous steps is a reflection of the
uncertainty I feel moving forward.
A decision was made long ago, even if I didn’t define it at any clear singular point. I
am going all in. I’ve put my whole life on the line in a lot of ways that some probably
don’t realize or see as bold. Because while I don’t gamble (you will rarely find me
in a casino), I do invest with all my heart and wallet into my career. I don’t even
mean with a specific project, though there are a lot of ambitious undertakings at the
moment. I mean with how I love with an open heart, fight against injustice, rallying
against the BS, and hold my freedom as best I can. I am lucky as hell. I am a voice
for those who cannot speak, for they are forced to remain silent. They have no song,
because they can’t find the words. If I can express their desires for liberty, for their
rights to self-ownership, for their own property, and remind them that it is theirs,
then I have done my job. I may lament this state, but it’s somewhat pointless, as I
will not change course and I love what I do.
